Can you hear it?

It is my past. It is my echo. The Gryphon's Echo.


Goodbye Livejournal
Nives Conbadge [Ragsolith]
niveswhitt
While I am not going to delete this account, I am going to abandon it, as I retire Nives and everything associated with it. I'll see y'all later

Everything Falls Apart
Nives Conbadge [Ragsolith]
niveswhitt
It's been months since my last entry, I know. So many things have fallen apart for me, ever since my last entry, I don't even really know where to begin. Without much internet access as well, it's been horrible for me, not in the sense that I'm missing out on my entertainment, but rather because I've had very limited opportunity for trying to move out again and get my life squared away.

Things truly have fallen apart for me, and now I don't know how to get out of this hole I've been forced into. I'm now living with my Grandmother on my Father's side, near my Father. I'm most grateful for having a roof over my head, but at the same time, my family is also holding me down and keeping me stuck in this horrid situation. I'd be willing to work as hard as possible to make things better for myself, but I'm just not able to in the situation I'm in, which is the problem I'm having.

I don't know what to do anymore... and I'm a stupidly optimistic person. I've finally got a vehicle, a truck, but trying to get it to pass emissions has cost me hundreds of dollars I didn't have to spend on it. I'd started working with my Father again, hoping beyond reasoning that things would work out, and of course they didn't, so I've earned just enough money to almost get my truck fixed before I had to quit working with him.

So now I'm stuck at my Grandmother's, without a job, without money, and without a real way to look for a way out, or a place to go. I just don't know what to do. I'm just getting so tired of this. All I want is for things to work out for me... it's really all I ever ask. Instead crap keeps on happening that is out of my control that just makes things worse.

And I wish this was just a one day kinda thing, but this has been going on ever since I've stopped posting. I'm so tired of it...

Feeling
Nives Conbadge [Ragsolith]
niveswhitt
I was driving home from Macon today... and for some reason, the last song on the cd I was listening to put my in a very poetic/artistic/musical/etc state of mind. I feel euphoric right now. I simply feel happy, and alive, though not necessarily energetic. It feels more like a calm, soothing, flow, rather than a dancing rush. It makes me just want to lay outside in the cool silence and just absorb everything I can feel around me.

The funny thing I noticed about this, and when I feel like this even in the slightest, is that I'm always either aroused or horny, and as soon as that goes away, I no longer feel artistic. I find it rather odd, but I like it nonetheless.

Thoughts Running Through My HeadCollapse )

Just An Update
Nives Conbadge [Ragsolith]
niveswhitt
Feeling Odd AgainCollapse )


( Another Online Revival )
I feel like I am nearing another online revival. I keep wanting to start using my FurAffinity and DeviantArt accounts again, and despite not being able to draw yet, I can see a way to do that. If nothing else I can still favorite artwork and just talk/comment at people. I rather liked it when I was doing that.

The only that that has really kept me from starting is first my family (Since a good portion of FA art is mature), and also the amount of time it will take to get everything setup the way I would like it. All I need is time feeling comfortable on a computer. That kind of time is difficult to find around here.

I may start drawing, regardless of anything though. Just recently going through my notebooks and such, I realized that I've already draw a hell of a lot of art, most not good, but not all bad. I just need to start doing it again... no exceptions or excuses. I still need to read through Drawing On The Right Side Of The Brain, but that's not an excuse.


( LJ Story Idea Rough Draft )
Just thinking of stuff to write about, and I remembered this idea I had. Quite simply, I want to use LJ and it's journal system as a medium for writing a story. I'm trying to decided if I want it to be setup, where the story is told through realistically written journal entries, or if each entry is a chapter for the story.

Either way, I think it would be a great way for me to start my ideas. Once again, I just need time enough to figure it out, and do it.


( Of My Situation )
I talked with Mom and Rod today, and after the talk, I've decided to stay here for a good while, to help myself move forward where I want to go. I just need to get a car to be able to travel to different events, and get a computer so I can start really moving my online life ahead.

First thing I need is a job, and then I will see what I can do.

Money money money. I don't want to be wealthy or have money... but it's the only way I can do what I want/need and be free. I want to find a way of making money that suits me best, after I get a mainstream job. I have to balance out realistic and desired.

Well... This Feels Awkward
Nives Conbadge [Ragsolith]
niveswhitt
Yea, it's been a while since I've posted... and it doesn't even really matter. Nothing new has happened since I moved into my mother's place. I've got a room... I'm getting rid of some stuff I didn't need in any event... and that's it.

I'm staying in Monticello GA. It's one of those cities you have to look up online, because it's too small to try and find yourself. It's small... and everybody know's everybody here. You can't sneeze without getting a phone call with someone saying "Bless you" on the other line.

Speaking of that... I can't use my cell phone anymore down here! Apparently this is a "All but one service cell phone dead zone", and my service doesn't work.

So now, not only am I living with my family, who's lifestyle is nothing like my non-traditional one, in a tiny town with no furs and no one with similar interests to mine... but it's hard as hell to get online, and I can't even call or text my friends! *Explodes*

On the good side though... it's nice to be around my mother and sisters after so very long, and I'm finally getting a chance to rest and get back on my feet. It looks like I've got good potential for moving my life forward very much here... but it'll take time. So now, I have to decide between moving ahead or moving out sooner. Both choices look really good to me at this point.

Blarg... night never used ot affect me like this. Maybe it's just the town...

Wow... That Was Not Expected...
Nives Conbadge [Ragsolith]
niveswhitt
Okay... apparently I have to move. Somehow I did something to make Izzy angry at fursuit bowling? I don't know what the fuck... but he is being childish as hell. He is kicking me out of the house because of it.

What the fuck ever. I'm rather tired of this anyways. Until he makes the mental shift and grows up, things would stay the same. I was hoping on the chance that he indeed would change soon... but I guess it wasn't soon enough. I'm tired of always being worried about him getting angry and doing exactly this... for whatever reason. Well, hah, now I don't have to worry about it!

After a good bit of searching... I've decided that my only real option is to stay with my mom. I just called her tonight, and made the arrangements, so I am going to be going down there to live... for who knows how long. It could be a few weeks, or a few months... I can't say. I think it's going to be rather interesting though. Things seem to be working out rather well, in spite of everything.

Lol, would this qualify as one of those "I need a drink" moments? I've certainly taken a fancy to simply one shot of their cherry brandy in a day. At least when I do drink, it's never to get drunk. I hope that never changes.

When I move to my mother's, I don't know if and how much internet access I am going to have, though I will do what I can to stay online as much as I can. I know my T-Mobile phone doesn't work down there, so I wouldn't have a way to connect via phone, text, or mobile IM. I am going to miss talking to everyone up here!! At least this is not permanent though. When I can I am going to come back to live up here, perhaps with another furry friend, or perhaps with someone I find on Craig's List. Either way... I must move back to Kennesaw. I've got too much up here that I don't want to leave behind for long.

*Sigh* I am actually content right now. I'm physically, emotionally, and mentally drained as all hell, but I'm content with that thigs are working out alright.

I hope I will be able to post again soon, I really do. I'm afraid to leave my friends like this.

My Decision
Nives Conbadge [Ragsolith]
niveswhitt
I've finally made my decision for what I am going to do, for better or for worse. I am going to stay here in Kennesaw, and do what I can to work things out. I am going to stay with my two current roommates, help us get either a two or three bedroom apartment here, and most likely stay with them either until I can afford my own place, or until they decide to buy there house in a year or two's time.

In all honesty, while I think I had reason to be as distressed as I was, I was focused far too much on the negatives of the entire situation; I wasn't able to see the possibilities for me working things out just the way things were. In all honesty though, I blame World Of Warcraft for that, considering that now that my roommate has stopped playing it, I could see how things could work out. I hate that game because of what it does to people.

I'm staying here in Kennesaw Georgia, and hope I can for many years to come. I am going to stick with Izzy and Rags until I move out, either with someone else, or alone. I now have clear direction on what I can and am able to do, and so now I can move forward. My feet are finally on the ground, and I am free to move forward.

I really hope things will get better from here. I thing there is great potential for things to work out.

...
Nives Conbadge [Ragsolith]
niveswhitt
I need some help. I am probably going to have to post all around, and link this entry everywhere until I find what I need. I don't have a choice anymore.

To put it bluntly, I need a place to go. I need a place I can live, that will help me move towards my own life. I need someone who will be willing and able to help me right now, when I need it most. Ever since I left my father's house six months ago, I've not had any ground to stand on. I've been suspended in mid air, with no idea which way is up or down. I don't even know where the ground is. All I keep trying to do is find something I can call stable to stand on, so I can move forward with my life; it's all been illusion though.

I need someone's help. I'm only 19 years old... and I don't know what I'm doing. I'm living on my own without any experience or knowledge on how to do so. My only real teacher, my father, was as much my teacher as my enemy as he was mentor. I don't have any family left to fall back on. I don't have anyone to fall back on. I don't have anything. I don't have a car, a job, or anything. I'm falling down, and all I've been given is a pad to land on, and the words "Good luck or get out".

I need someone to catch me. Never once have I cried out for help like this... but I can't keep doing this. I CAN'T DO THIS ON MY OWN! I don't know how to! I need someone who will be able to catch me, set my feet on the ground, and show my what I need to know. I need a place where I can rest my head for a while, and recover from this fall, before getting back up and pushing forward.

During this entire 6 months of leaving, I have not had any time to rest and recover from everything that has been happening. I've been helping people when they need it, but no one is helping me. I need someone that I can hold me up when I finally collapse. I need someone who is going to be there for me... and let me know things are going to be alright.

Please, someone... anyone... please help me. I can't do this on my own... net yet. All I need is stable ground to stand on, and someone to show me what I need to know in order to make it on my own; I've not had anything like that for 6 months... and it's showing.

Please, someone save me. I can't do this...

This Again...
Nives Conbadge [Ragsolith]
niveswhitt
I feel like I'm horribly stagnant. I'm floating, drifting, and I don't know which way is up. I'm suspended in the middle of nothing, and I don't know which way I should go. I know what it is that I want, but I don't know how to get there. I just move from one location to the next, hoping that with each move I can put my feet on the ground and start moving towards the direction I want to go.

But I can't find solid ground. I don't know how to cope with the situation I am in right now. I don't want to be alone, but I don't see anything else I can do in this situation but live like I am alone. I want to cry for help, but I can't. I want to cry for something, but no one will listen.

God damn it's frustrating. Please, someone, save me. Save me from my suspension. Save me from my confusion. Save me from my loneliness. Please...

Stuff Happened
Nives Conbadge [Ragsolith]
niveswhitt
Oh yea... I need to update... Let's see, where to start.

I moved! I don't live in Gainesville GA anymore, but rather Kennesaw GA again, and with the same couple I was staying with before. Heh, go figure. I've been here for less than a week.

I am looking for a new job.

It is nearly 06:00 in the morning... and I am sleepy and horny.

I am still trying to figure out what to do with my life, in terms of where I am going to live. I know what I want to do with my life.

I need to update my Pounced profile.

I need to go more in depth with everything here.

Forget the people I used to call my family...

And goodnight all!

PS: If you are looking at this, Father, then it just confirms my believe that you lie about leaving me to my business. Screw you. I figured I was just going to hide myself from you, and where I was. I don't give a damn. Do whatever the hell you want, you are no one to me.
If you are reading this Mother, then for God's sake please just tell me. I find it creepy that you would "stalk" me like that, but I'm okay if you just tell me.

?

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