niveswhitt

While I am not going to delete this account, I am going to abandon it, as I retire Nives and everything associated with it. I'll see y'all later

It's been months since my last entry, I know. So many things have fallen apart for me, ever since my last entry, I don't even really know where to begin. Without much internet access as well, it's been horrible for me, not in the sense that I'm missing out on my entertainment, but rather because I've had very limited opportunity for trying to move out again and get my life squared away.

Things truly have fallen apart for me, and now I don't know how to get out of this hole I've been forced into. I'm now living with my Grandmother on my Father's side, near my Father. I'm most grateful for having a roof over my head, but at the same time, my family is also holding me down and keeping me stuck in this horrid situation. I'd be willing to work as hard as possible to make things better for myself, but I'm just not able to in the situation I'm in, which is the problem I'm having.

I don't know what to do anymore... and I'm a stupidly optimistic person. I've finally got a vehicle, a truck, but trying to get it to pass emissions has cost me hundreds of dollars I didn't have to spend on it. I'd started working with my Father again, hoping beyond reasoning that things would work out, and of course they didn't, so I've earned just enough money to almost get my truck fixed before I had to quit working with him.

So now I'm stuck at my Grandmother's, without a job, without money, and without a real way to look for a way out, or a place to go. I just don't know what to do. I'm just getting so tired of this. All I want is for things to work out for me... it's really all I ever ask. Instead crap keeps on happening that is out of my control that just makes things worse.

And I wish this was just a one day kinda thing, but this has been going on ever since I've stopped posting. I'm so tired of it...

I was driving home from Macon today... and for some reason, the last song on the cd I was listening to put my in a very poetic/artistic/musical/etc state of mind. I feel euphoric right now. I simply feel happy, and alive, though not necessarily energetic. It feels more like a calm, soothing, flow, rather than a dancing rush. It makes me just want to lay outside in the cool silence and just absorb everything I can feel around me.

The funny thing I noticed about this, and when I feel like this even in the slightest, is that I'm always either aroused or horny, and as soon as that goes away, I no longer feel artistic. I find it rather odd, but I like it nonetheless.

( Thoughts Running Through My Head )

( Feeling Odd Again )


( Another Online Revival )
I feel like I am nearing another online revival. I keep wanting to start using my FurAffinity and DeviantArt accounts again, and despite not being able to draw yet, I can see a way to do that. If nothing else I can still favorite artwork and just talk/comment at people. I rather liked it when I was doing that.

The only that that has really kept me from starting is first my family (Since a good portion of FA art is mature), and also the amount of time it will take to get everything setup the way I would like it. All I need is time feeling comfortable on a computer. That kind of time is difficult to find around here.

I may start drawing, regardless of anything though. Just recently going through my notebooks and such, I realized that I've already draw a hell of a lot of art, most not good, but not all bad. I just need to start doing it again... no exceptions or excuses. I still need to read through Drawing On The Right Side Of The Brain, but that's not an excuse.


( LJ Story Idea Rough Draft )
Just thinking of stuff to write about, and I remembered this idea I had. Quite simply, I want to use LJ and it's journal system as a medium for writing a story. I'm trying to decided if I want it to be setup, where the story is told through realistically written journal entries, or if each entry is a chapter for the story.

Either way, I think it would be a great way for me to start my ideas. Once again, I just need time enough to figure it out, and do it.


( Of My Situation )
I talked with Mom and Rod today, and after the talk, I've decided to stay here for a good while, to help myself move forward where I want to go. I just need to get a car to be able to travel to different events, and get a computer so I can start really moving my online life ahead.

First thing I need is a job, and then I will see what I can do.

Money money money. I don't want to be wealthy or have money... but it's the only way I can do what I want/need and be free. I want to find a way of making money that suits me best, after I get a mainstream job. I have to balance out realistic and desired.

Yea, it's been a while since I've posted... and it doesn't even really matter. Nothing new has happened since I moved into my mother's place. I've got a room... I'm getting rid of some stuff I didn't need in any event... and that's it.

I'm staying in Monticello GA. It's one of those cities you have to look up online, because it's too small to try and find yourself. It's small... and everybody know's everybody here. You can't sneeze without getting a phone call with someone saying "Bless you" on the other line.

Speaking of that... I can't use my cell phone anymore down here! Apparently this is a "All but one service cell phone dead zone", and my service doesn't work.

So now, not only am I living with my family, who's lifestyle is nothing like my non-traditional one, in a tiny town with no furs and no one with similar interests to mine... but it's hard as hell to get online, and I can't even call or text my friends! *Explodes*

On the good side though... it's nice to be around my mother and sisters after so very long, and I'm finally getting a chance to rest and get back on my feet. It looks like I've got good potential for moving my life forward very much here... but it'll take time. So now, I have to decide between moving ahead or moving out sooner. Both choices look really good to me at this point.

Blarg... night never used ot affect me like this. Maybe it's just the town...

Okay... apparently I have to move. Somehow I did something to make Izzy angry at fursuit bowling? I don't know what the fuck... but he is being childish as hell. He is kicking me out of the house because of it.

What the fuck ever. I'm rather tired of this anyways. Until he makes the mental shift and grows up, things would stay the same. I was hoping on the chance that he indeed would change soon... but I guess it wasn't soon enough. I'm tired of always being worried about him getting angry and doing exactly this... for whatever reason. Well, hah, now I don't have to worry about it!

After a good bit of searching... I've decided that my only real option is to stay with my mom. I just called her tonight, and made the arrangements, so I am going to be going down there to live... for who knows how long. It could be a few weeks, or a few months... I can't say. I think it's going to be rather interesting though. Things seem to be working out rather well, in spite of everything.

Lol, would this qualify as one of those "I need a drink" moments? I've certainly taken a fancy to simply one shot of their cherry brandy in a day. At least when I do drink, it's never to get drunk. I hope that never changes.

When I move to my mother's, I don't know if and how much internet access I am going to have, though I will do what I can to stay online as much as I can. I know my T-Mobile phone doesn't work down there, so I wouldn't have a way to connect via phone, text, or mobile IM. I am going to miss talking to everyone up here!! At least this is not permanent though. When I can I am going to come back to live up here, perhaps with another furry friend, or perhaps with someone I find on Craig's List. Either way... I must move back to Kennesaw. I've got too much up here that I don't want to leave behind for long.

*Sigh* I am actually content right now. I'm physically, emotionally, and mentally drained as all hell, but I'm content with that thigs are working out alright.

I hope I will be able to post again soon, I really do. I'm afraid to leave my friends like this.

I've finally made my decision for what I am going to do, for better or for worse. I am going to stay here in Kennesaw, and do what I can to work things out. I am going to stay with my two current roommates, help us get either a two or three bedroom apartment here, and most likely stay with them either until I can afford my own place, or until they decide to buy there house in a year or two's time.

In all honesty, while I think I had reason to be as distressed as I was, I was focused far too much on the negatives of the entire situation; I wasn't able to see the possibilities for me working things out just the way things were. In all honesty though, I blame World Of Warcraft for that, considering that now that my roommate has stopped playing it, I could see how things could work out. I hate that game because of what it does to people.

I'm staying here in Kennesaw Georgia, and hope I can for many years to come. I am going to stick with Izzy and Rags until I move out, either with someone else, or alone. I now have clear direction on what I can and am able to do, and so now I can move forward. My feet are finally on the ground, and I am free to move forward.

I really hope things will get better from here. I thing there is great potential for things to work out.

I need some help. I am probably going to have to post all around, and link this entry everywhere until I find what I need. I don't have a choice anymore.

To put it bluntly, I need a place to go. I need a place I can live, that will help me move towards my own life. I need someone who will be willing and able to help me right now, when I need it most. Ever since I left my father's house six months ago, I've not had any ground to stand on. I've been suspended in mid air, with no idea which way is up or down. I don't even know where the ground is. All I keep trying to do is find something I can call stable to stand on, so I can move forward with my life; it's all been illusion though.

I need someone's help. I'm only 19 years old... and I don't know what I'm doing. I'm living on my own without any experience or knowledge on how to do so. My only real teacher, my father, was as much my teacher as my enemy as he was mentor. I don't have any family left to fall back on. I don't have anyone to fall back on. I don't have anything. I don't have a car, a job, or anything. I'm falling down, and all I've been given is a pad to land on, and the words "Good luck or get out".

I need someone to catch me. Never once have I cried out for help like this... but I can't keep doing this. I CAN'T DO THIS ON MY OWN! I don't know how to! I need someone who will be able to catch me, set my feet on the ground, and show my what I need to know. I need a place where I can rest my head for a while, and recover from this fall, before getting back up and pushing forward.

During this entire 6 months of leaving, I have not had any time to rest and recover from everything that has been happening. I've been helping people when they need it, but no one is helping me. I need someone that I can hold me up when I finally collapse. I need someone who is going to be there for me... and let me know things are going to be alright.

Please, someone... anyone... please help me. I can't do this on my own... net yet. All I need is stable ground to stand on, and someone to show me what I need to know in order to make it on my own; I've not had anything like that for 6 months... and it's showing.

Please, someone save me. I can't do this...

I feel like I'm horribly stagnant. I'm floating, drifting, and I don't know which way is up. I'm suspended in the middle of nothing, and I don't know which way I should go. I know what it is that I want, but I don't know how to get there. I just move from one location to the next, hoping that with each move I can put my feet on the ground and start moving towards the direction I want to go.

But I can't find solid ground. I don't know how to cope with the situation I am in right now. I don't want to be alone, but I don't see anything else I can do in this situation but live like I am alone. I want to cry for help, but I can't. I want to cry for something, but no one will listen.

God damn it's frustrating. Please, someone, save me. Save me from my suspension. Save me from my confusion. Save me from my loneliness. Please...

Oh yea... I need to update... Let's see, where to start.

I moved! I don't live in Gainesville GA anymore, but rather Kennesaw GA again, and with the same couple I was staying with before. Heh, go figure. I've been here for less than a week.

I am looking for a new job.

It is nearly 06:00 in the morning... and I am sleepy and horny.

I am still trying to figure out what to do with my life, in terms of where I am going to live. I know what I want to do with my life.

I need to update my Pounced profile.

I need to go more in depth with everything here.

Forget the people I used to call my family...

And goodnight all!

PS: If you are looking at this, Father, then it just confirms my believe that you lie about leaving me to my business. Screw you. I figured I was just going to hide myself from you, and where I was. I don't give a damn. Do whatever the hell you want, you are no one to me.
If you are reading this Mother, then for God's sake please just tell me. I find it creepy that you would "stalk" me like that, but I'm okay if you just tell me.

Today, despite working two shifts as opposed to my scheduled one, was quite good. Work went quite well, with little to no problems, and I got a ride home from work today as well (though that mainly had t do with because I'd forgotten my jacket at home, and really didn't want to have to walk back home with nothing but a short sleeve shirt).

I got home not too long ago feeling really good. I took a shower after eating a light supper, and am still feeling really good. Yay!

I thought of doing something really cool while I was at work. I've always wanted to write out a story, but never really thought of any way other than just working on a book version. However, while working, I had a slight lapse into a fantasy mindset while working that sparked an idea. It was simply "I wonder what things would be like if I were a mage, or discovered magic powers right now. I wonder how I would describe that in my LJ". Then it hit me... I could do a story just like that, using LJ as a way to tell it, one journal entry at a time. More on that later though.

At the moment, I am not too sure what I am going to be doing. I need to do one of a bunch of things, and again, I'm not too sure what of those I want to do.

I do know that I want to play Halo. Listening to this OST isn't helping with that... but man do I love the music.

I am actually looking at my friend's page! Whoa...

It's been a while too long, I think. I'm just stating this, because it feels nice to start doing something I used to love doing. Sometime soon I will need to go thorough my friend's list and figure out what to do with that.

Someday I will need to go through my bio adn interests and update them too.

AND AT SOME POINT AND TIME I OUGHT TO GET TO SLEEP, BECAUSE I GO TO WORK IN 7 HOURS!!

AHHHH!

I'm having a pleasant night ^^

I'm feeling a little odd right now, so I want to write some stuff down, to maybe make some sense out of these feelings. I have to be at work in less than seven hours, but I'm still up only because I got a hell of a lot of sleep last night. I just want to write this out before doing... something(?) and then going to sleep.

I kinda feel like I'm in a "Get shit done" mood... but know I can't; it's too late. I tried pulling out my notebook and papers to try and work on my fursona, but kept getting distracted but FF7 being played.

I also feel like I need to go through my collected image achieves and sift through and update them. It's just a small feeling though, so nothing really on that.

I do still need to write an email to my father, but he can wait.

I need to write a letter to Tsumina... and that can't wait because she is just so cool.

I would like to get back into UO, though I am not too sure why. I just really liked that game, and I think I still do.

Oh... organizing my room is on my mind. Clothes are everywhere on the floor, and I need to pick them up and start cleaning it. Nothing big, but I just like things to look orderly.

Everything should be a bit easier to get done now that Kylie is gone. Already the tension in the air has thinned drastically, and it seems everybody feels freer to be themselves. Funny how one person can cause so much grief. One thing though that I still need to act on is the strong possibility that if Gyre does not get the money to pay for what needs paying, we are going to lose the apartment. I really need to focus on creating a bailout plan, though I'm not all too worried about that. Things have worked for me in the past, and I think that perhaps they will continue to.

Maybe I should start condensing everything I have to just what I can travel with, until I can find my true home. At least that way, I will never have to worry about bringing everything with me; I would have so little that it would not be a problem. (Concluding Thought: Yea, I think that's what I am going to do. I need to start selling my stuff and "Live out of a suitcase" albeit a large case.

Hmm... instead of understanding my jumbled thoughts, it seems as though I have just cleared my head instead. Weird. I wish I had a PDA that I could write everything down in. Or some sort of very easy to carry notepad that I could write down my thoughts in. Unfortunately I find full sheets of ruled paper to be the most useful because of it size, I may need to try something else. I wish my phone had a memo program at least. Perhaps I'll just start texting to my email.

EDIT: I have pretty much figured out, that there are only certain times when having something to record my flash of thoughts would be useful. There are times when I analyze my own thoughts, seeing how they affect me and what I need to do about them. When this happens, all thoughts come in as quick and demand attention, no matter what they are. Simply words and phrases are all that's needed to summarize and remind myself of what these thoughts are. Something to record these thoughts on would just be used to organize and indeed keep a record of my thoughts, so I can go back over them at later times.

While not vitally important, I think I could more quickly and better understand who I am, what I want, what I need, and learn a way to organize my thoughts. Perhaps what I am doing in recording myself this way, and on paper, is the only way to organize my thoughts. Inconvenient, but still very affective.

I'm happy though, being able to do this. It really is relaxing and so very helpful both on mental and emotional levels to not just record my thoughts for future reference, but simply finding a way to say what's on my mind. It makes it feel like my thoughts are free to flow in a more open space than just my mind, and that in turn allows me to better see just what I am thinking. It relieves the pressure of all my many fast moving thoughts by giving them space to move and form in.

Blah, now I'm just blabbing on... though this blurb did help to give me some insight. At least my methods personally work ^^

Things haven't changed all too much up till now really. Things for me have gotten batter, and for all of us things have been both good and bad.

I got off today from work because there was supposed to be furry meetup we were going to go to this afternoon, but it never happened. Instead I ended up sleeping until 19:00. I don't know how I did it. Right now it's just me and Faussie relaxing, with Serena and Gyre spending time together.

Just this morning, Kylie left to go like in Illinois, and already there is more peace, and stress is a little less. We'll fully see the effects of here leave, I think, after Serena and Gyre get home, but until then, things are kinda nice.

We might be in a bit of a bind, either way, at home though. We may not be able to pay what we need to actually stay in these apartments. Simply said, we are looking for bail-out plans, and I currently do not have one.

I need to start looking for an escape plan just in case, though I personally believe that there is no way we are going to be able to stay here. It worries me a bit, though it'll be a bit easier to search for such a plan at this point for me.

I've also come to terms with the fact that I am indeed alone in this house. Maybe that will change with Kylie gone, though I don't expect so. Everyone kinda has there own things going on with each other, and I am just not the kinda person to be part of it. It's just the focus on BDSM that I am not going to be a part of. As long as I keep in mind though that I am not part of this, then I really am content being here, rather than trying and failing at being part of this inside group.

On my father, I am not too sure what's going on there. Perhaps I had been too pessimistic about the whole situation, but nevertheless, I've made up my mind on what will happen. I've decided that instead of me trying to fix the situation through whatever means, I am going to let him choose what happens, since it was his choice to turn on me in the first place. I've decided, that until he apologizes for everything he had done that night, that I will have nothing to do with him; only when he is willing to apologize would he have the mindset that what he did was wrong. I have accepted the lose right now, and am content with having nothing to do with him if he wants to do this to me. Family is not in blood.

Blah, I find it hard to focus on writing while watching Faussie play FF7.
~Nives

Nothing much different really. Got to go to work in a bit. It's starting to get cold around here.

Work isn't really that bad compared to Firehouse Subs. It isn't nearly as stressful, and it leaves me room to relax every once in a while, and I can do so without worrying about my manager jumping down my throat. I will admit though, even with that, I dislike only getting payed so little.

Home stress is still there. I still feel rather alone in this house, but I'm starting to cope with it better. I'm talking to other friends often, so that is helping. I just wish I could connect with my roommates the same way they are connecting with each other... but I am not into BDSM, and I know I couldn't be. I am a furry, and a lifestyler; that is my thing.

I'm thinking of starting my search for a way out. I'm not so pitiful as to say I can't handle all this... but this all sure isn't for me. Nothing here really suits me. I'd just rather be in a place where I do not have to put effort into making myself happy all the time.

I hope I can find a way to make things better for myself.

...I hate sounding emo...

Got, like 5 minutes before I have to go in to work, Plenty of time to update

Just the usual going on. Actually read and did an exercise in the Drawing On The Right Side OF The Brain book. I feel that this time I will not be stopping as much because of the exercises like I'd done before.

Things are about normal around here. Everyone just being stressed out and trying to keep the peace, except for Kylie. I rather don't like her... and for good reason. But, hopefully either she will start to change for everyone's better, or just leave. I would prefer the second choice... but whatever.

Working on my fursona, and having different ideas on what to do with him. I am quite happy to be doing this again, especially now that I am not under parental stress and tension while doing this. I feel like I can just focus on nothing but that when I want to, though doing it in a peaceful and restful environment is near impossible. Nothing I am upset about, but it just means that I will have to get used to it. I don't like doing these things alone, so I sit be everyone in the living room while doing them, despite a lack of peace.

Off to work now
~Nives FeraSpirytus

Slowly I'm starting to understand myself and the way I work. It's something that I have never really done before, but now that I am, I am quickly beginning to understand what makes me tick. The good thing about this is that if I know how I work, then I can better control myself in bad situations, or take and use the best of myself. I also find it rather fascinating.

After what happened just a few days ago, I really am starting to feel much better. I am better able to focus on the things that I want to do, and and slowly getting over my procrastination habits, though I am still struggling with staying focused on something for an extended period of time.

I have been reworking my fursona reference and and going to be changing it to something I like better. I am going to need to read and finish the book Drawing On The Right Side OF The Brain which I never did finish. At least this time I have someone who is going to be reading and pushing me to read it as well. Once I learn how to draw, I will be able to finish my reference completely.

However it is going to be a little difficult for me, considering I am living with 4 other people, and the only way I can really focus on something when the household is being restless is when I put 100% of my attention into what I am doing. Still, there are times when I can get some peace, though complete daytime peace is very near impossible to get these days.

Blah... we need an outside table, like the ones that you find outside restaurants. There is a Starbucks near me that has a setup like that, and I enjoy jut sitting and lounging around outside the store. Just... something about really relaxes me... especially, I think, with the lack of peace that is now prevalent around the house.

Focus, consentration, peace. I'm slowly finding and trying to find these around here. But, I'm still being optimistic about what all is happening with me. It makes me feel alive...

~Nives FeraSpirytus

Oh, if only my friends back in High School knew just what kind of person I was. I wonder how I would have gotten through school, if I was the same way I am now.

Hew... well today wasn't so bad. I went to work at Outback, and had a rather good time. The difference between working there and at my previous workplace at Firehouse Subs is incredible to me. I stayed on my feet the entire time without a problem, but I think that if I end up waking up with me legs feeling this tired, I'll need to find another way to get to Outback besides walking the two miles there and back. Meh, at least I have a good job though. No word on Starbucks or Sonic unfortunately, but I'ma go bug them tomorrow before I go to Outback.

Right now, I'm not doing too much more than just playing with my LJ journal setup and look, trying to make it look nice. I've decided to keep the same style, and just try out different colors. Also, I'm changing my background to a really cool looking pic I found online some time ago. I found that playing with the RBG levels with this pic yields some awesome looking variants of the original.

Heh, if you read this journal, and feel like wasting a couple minutes, just keep refreshing the page and you will see me changing the color and background often to try and find the right look.

Starting work in a few hours... and a bit nervous.

Okay, so I am very nervous, but who isn't when they go into a job that they don't know how to do yet? My fears are probably unfounded, but I just hope I can learn what I need to in the time provided. I also hope that I can get my second job at most by the end of this week. I really would like to work at Starbucks; I love coffee ^^

Anyways, I am going to have to wait out a bit, because my original plans for pre-work aren't going to work out like I'd thought. Hopefully I can get what I'd need to get done, done.